Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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