I love black thongs
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
