respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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