you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
