Just fell off a train. Bad.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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