My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
