I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
