if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
