Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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