I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Randomize
