Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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