I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
