i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
