I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
