I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
