I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Randomize
