dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
