my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
