I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
