I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We need a shit load of segways right now
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
We're too hungover to prance.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
