he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
