Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
