im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
