I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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