How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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