I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
