i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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