If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
i think my cat just said my name.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
