My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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