dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
