I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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