your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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