I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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