He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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