didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
