Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
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