im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Randomize
