actually, I'm a sock model
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
