i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
