Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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