we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Randomize
