i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
