I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
