I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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