He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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