Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
