apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
