My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
