bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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