what day is it and did you see me today?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
