mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
