I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It all started with a game of naked twister.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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