why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
